I recently took a short (but still way longer than I wanted) break from blogging and here I am now, writing away because I just watched Tara Martin in action for the #IMMOOC episode and she made me want to get back into it. To be honest, I like blogging- it makes me reflect on what I am doing, what I am learning, and it allows me to connect the scattered dots inside my head. It gives me something to show for the never ending ideas and thoughts that run marathons inside my head. I do it for myself as it makes me feel as thought I’ve accomplished something that is meaningful to me.
Blogging is one of those things that, for me, take time. It’s no secret to my friends, family and new colleagues that I am Type A ( side note – my admin calls me 4A – you can imagine why!) and so for me, writing a post takes more time than it should (just ask Annick, co-writing blog posts with me is painful!). When I write, I over analyse and question, then edit and again and again until it’s early in the morning and I finally realize I’m doing this for myself – so I hit publish. In light of Tara Martin being R.E.A.L. tonight and always, I’m allowing myself to be R.E.A.L. with this post because in the past few months, I’ve been feeling extreme guilt for several reasons:
- #1– Signing up for #IMMOOC knowing far too well that I wouldn’t be able to participate as much as I would like. I keep reminding myself that something is better than nothing. One tweet is better than none.
- #2 – Putting work first, family second and myself last. This is nothing new, but my work/life balance has hit an all-time low. Being hired in a a new school that opened this September, I want things to be just right (remember my 4A moniker). And it’s not even like I’m the sole leader in my classroom. I wholeheartedly believe that students should be doing the bulk of their learning so they have a sense of pride, ownership and feel they are contributing to their person, their school and their community. But since only three of my students knew each other from their previous schools, my priority is pouring a solid foundation for the learning that will take place and building relationships as a group so my students feel they can lead successfully in an environment where they feel safe and encouraged to take risks. I also feel the need to prove to others that I deserve the golden ticket that was handed to me when I was hired. That in itself is stressful because I am not even close to where I would usually be and nowhere near where I thought we would currently be. That being said, I constantly remind myself that things that matter take time.
- #3 – For the very first time in my life, I have not met one of my own deadlines which was finishing my Master’s degree in Inclusive Education before the start of this new school year. I know it sounds ridiculous. How lucky am I to have everything I’ve ever wanted and for this to be what’s eating me inside? But if you knew me, you would know how excruciating it is for me to have failed myself even though I still have plenty of time left in my program. I completed my 10 course load in two years, working full time, while having baby number 3, surviving appendicitis, a first born’s broken foot, a second born’s ENT surgery, and applying for my dream job (which I got!). But I had planned on finishing my final paper in the twelve months that followed. Needless to say, I’ve recently had to push my deadline one last time which is disappointing to me because had I finished in my given timeline, this would have relieved so much pressure and stress from my body especially as I started this new teaching position. Wherever I go and whatever I do, this final project is an incredible weight I carry with me at all times similar to those commercials you see on tv about debt – watch here. On top of that, in order to finish, I need to hand some of my responsibilities over to my amazing husband and give up some playing time with my kids to get it done. My entire family is sacrificing themselves while I pursue this goal. I feel selfish for compromising so much of their time. I long for the freedom I thought I would have had at this point and time of the year to reinvest in myself, my family and my classroom.
But this post isn’t really about guilt, is it. It’s about what I am going to do now that plan A wasn’t realistic for me in the past year. It’s about unexpected twists and turns in life and how we deal with change. It’s about how I accept my new timelines and see my perceived failure as a way to showcase my resilience and grit. It’s about proving to myself that I am not less of a learner because I didn’t reach my set goal in the time frame I gave myself. It’s about making a plan B to make it work. I bring this example up because in my mind, it relates exactly to the message that was said tonight between Tara and Katie Martin. It’s ok to consume content, but if your talents are never unleashed, and your ideas never shared or tested, what good are they? In regards to my final M.Ed. paper, my Type A-ness feels that I need to read all to understand all because I’ll never be able to sum up the subject in its entirety without reading everything I can get my hands on. I could read and read and read scientific articles until I die. There will always be new content coming out. Reality is, my paper will never “feel” complete and I have to be ok with that. My M.Ed. adviser told me just this when we met for our goal setting meeting this past Thursday, “Nycol, there is no end. At some point, you have to stop researching and write.” You can imagine how meaningful tonight’s message was for me. At some point, you have to allow yourself some time to stop consuming to create. What you contribute will have a greater impact.
Special thanks to :
– My neighborhood colleagues who remind me we are in this together.
– My PLF (as Tara would say), who I believe are the Duracell batteries to my bunny.
– My M.Ed. adviser, Sylvie, who sees me as I should see myself. Thanks for sending me motivational quotes when I need them most.
– Nicole, my text reminder who’s been through it herself!
– My husband and kids who are my constant cheerleaders and heart fillers. They remind me what is REAL.